This guide explores stonewalling, a destructive communication pattern that damages relationships.
What is Stonewalling?
Stonewalling describes a situation where one partner shuts down communication entirely or minimally engages during a conversation. It’s like building a wall, metaphorically blocking out your partner. This behavior can be unintentional or intentional.
Types of Stonewalling:
- Unintentional Stonewalling: This arises from learned behaviors to cope with difficult topics. People might stonewall to avoid conflict or discomfort.
- Intentional Stonewalling: This is a manipulative tactic used to control a partner. It aims to gain power and exploit situations.
Why Does Stonewalling Happen?
Stonewalling can stem from various reasons:
- Unhealthy Communication Habits: Couples might not be used to discussing emotions openly.
- Emotional Discomfort: Some people struggle to express their feelings, leading to avoidance.
- Learned Behavior: Growing up in an environment where emotions were suppressed can lead to stonewalling in adulthood.
- Domination Tactics: Abusive partners might stonewall to control and manipulate their partner.
Signs of Stonewalling:
- Ignoring what your partner says
- Changing the subject or walking away from conversations
- Making excuses to avoid discussions
- Refusing to answer questions
- Dismissive body language (eye rolling, avoiding eye contact)
- Passive-aggressive behavior (procrastination, stalling)
- Denying stonewalling behavior
- Dismissing your concerns
- Mocking or patronizing you
- Refusing responsibility for silence
Verbal Signs:
- Minimizing or dismissing your partner’s feelings: Phrases like “You’re overreacting” or “It’s not that big of a deal” dismiss the other person’s perspective and invalidate their emotions.
- Deflecting or changing the subject: When your partner brings up an issue, the stonewaller might introduce a new topic to avoid addressing the real problem.
- Sarcasm and name-calling: These are verbal attacks that shut down communication and create a hostile environment.
- Excessive justification or blaming: The stonewaller might focus on defending themselves or placing blame on their partner instead of engaging in a productive discussion.
Non-verbal Signs:
- Crossed arms and closed posture: This body language indicates defensiveness and unwillingness to be open.
- Stone-faced expression or lack of eye contact: Avoiding eye contact and showing little facial expression convey disinterest and detachment.
- Tuning out or appearing distracted: The stonewaller might seem preoccupied or disinterested in what their partner is saying.
- Nervous habits or fidgeting: This can be a sign of underlying anxiety or discomfort with the conversation.
- Leaving the room or storming off: Abruptly exiting the conversation prevents further discussion and leaves the other person feeling unheard.
Additionally:
- Feigning sleep or sudden busyness: These can be tactics used to avoid difficult conversations.
- Increased use of electronic devices: The stonewaller might use their phone or computer as a distraction to shut out their partner.
- Stonewalling across communication channels: Refusing to respond to texts, emails, or calls can be another form of stonewalling
Effects of Stonewalling:
Stonewalling has detrimental effects on relationships:
- Relationship Breakdown: Communication is key, and stonewalling hinders it, leading to disconnection.
- Emotional Impact: The person being stonewalled might feel helpless, worthless, and have low self-esteem. This can be a form of emotional abuse.
- Vicious Cycle: Stonewalling creates a cycle where issues remain unresolved, leading to frustration and increased tension.
- Limited Happiness: Both partners suffer. The stonewaller misses emotional intimacy, and the relationship lacks progress.
Is Stonewalling Emotional Abuse?
Intent plays a role. Unintentional stonewalling might not be abusive. However, deliberate stonewalling to manipulate or control a partner is emotional abuse.
How to Deal with Stonewalling:
- Self-Awareness: Acknowledge the presence of stonewalling and its impact.
- Open Communication: Both partners need to be willing to listen and take responsibility.
- Professional Help: Consider couples counseling or mediation to improve communication skills.
- “I” Statements: Use “I” statements to express feelings less defensively.
Responding to Stonewalling:
- Identify Your Goals: Understand what you want to achieve from the conversation.
- Shared Responsibility: Encourage your partner to participate actively in resolving issues.
- Professional Support: Seek help from a therapist to build communication skills and self-esteem.
Breaking the Cycle of Stonewalling:
- Acknowledge Your Behavior: Take responsibility for your part in stonewalling.
- Reflect on Your Motives: Understand why you stonewall and how it affects your partner.
- Active Listening: Practice active listening skills to understand your partner better.
- Open Communication: Be open about your feelings and encourage vulnerability from your partner.
The Impact of Stonewalling on Children
When parents engage in stonewalling, their children become unintended casualties caught in the crossfire. Here’s a deeper look at how this behavior can affect children:
- Feeling Unsafe and Insecure: Witnessing constant tension and unresolved conflict between parents creates an unstable and unpredictable environment. Children crave a sense of security, and stonewalling undermines that feeling.
- Anxiety and Stress: The emotional fallout from stonewalling can leave children feeling anxious and stressed. They might worry about the future of their parents’ relationship or feel responsible for resolving the conflict.
- Confusion and Difficulty Expressing Emotions: Children exposed to stonewalling might struggle to understand and express their own emotions. They might learn to avoid difficult conversations or bottle up their feelings, mirroring the behavior they see at home.
- Taking Sides and Loyalty Conflicts: In a situation where one parent stonewalls the other, children might feel pressure to take sides. This can create loyalty conflicts and strain their relationship with one or both parents.
- Poor Conflict Resolution Skills: Children learn how to deal with conflict by observing their parents. Stonewalling teaches them unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as avoidance or shutting down during disagreements.
- Impact on Mental Health: Studies suggest that children raised in homes with high levels of conflict are more prone to developing anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues.
Here are some additional points to consider:
- Age Matters: The impact of stonewalling can vary depending on the child’s age. Younger children might be more easily affected by the emotional tension, while teenagers might act out or rebel.
- Non-Verbal Cues: Children are perceptive and pick up on non-verbal cues like body language and facial expressions. Even if parents avoid direct conflict in front of their children, the tension can be palpable.
- Breaking the Cycle: If you’re a parent who stonewalls your partner, it’s important to seek help to break the cycle for the sake of your children and your relationship.
Remember: Children are resilient, but prolonged exposure to unhealthy communication patterns can have lasting consequences. It’s crucial to address stonewalling behavior and prioritize healthy communication within the family.
Remember, healthy communication is vital for a happy relationship. If stonewalling is a persistent issue, seeking professional help can be highly beneficial.